Two chicks sittin’ around talking crazy

She’s been mentioned a few times on my blog, even commented here and there. I’ve guest starred in a few of her entries and have also returned the favour by commenting on her blog. So in case I have mentioned her enough, this blog is about Nell and specifically why we’re friends. Mainly because we seem to be just a few tomato sauce stains short of looking like we just ate some crazy pie. And because she constantly entertains my delusions of grandeur and a willing and active shot gun passenger on my megalomaniacal road to crazy and she’s very good at juggling 3 topics on the go. (In case you’re wondering Nell, the car drives itself, we’re just there to play the stereo). Plus I’m sure she’d hold my hair back if I were to vomit. It’s just how we roll.
Far be it for me to go ahead and try to explain… so showing you might be simpler.

Here is the gist from our last recent exchanges via email. Surprisingly (or not), we’re talking about blogging…

Well, initially..

*********

Me:
Hey, I see that you removed a comment from a nasir on your blog – I’m intrigued. What did he say?

Nell:
It was an ad actually; it must be some sort of fashion store or something. It was something like “Click on this link for discounts on fashion something or other…”

Nothing slanderous I’m afraid!


Me:
Dammit.

I was hoping for something salacious. (Like that? It’s the word of the day for tomorrow)

Nell:
Well I was feeling very tumultuous when I read the comment, because I did not know who the person was. But then alas, it was nothing very exciting, so I was disappointed.

Me:
Yes, that would indeed leave you feeling tumultuous. Ah well, at least you can hope that the next spam comment you receive offers you 80% of Canadian meds.

Nell:
Yes. Or maple syrup.

Me:
Nah, the spam gods would not be that kind.

Unless, you consistently talk about maple syrup and Canada, then you might pleasantly surprised.


Meanwhile, I’ve left some comments on your blog. Read them at your peril.


Nell:
I just went through and read them. Well, I think I got all of them! How far back did you go?? I wish you could get an alert whenever someone comments on your blog, cause that would be way easier. I will endeavour to comment on your blog at LEAST every second post. Cause lets face it, everyone loves comments. Cause it means your loved. And I heart you. (cue an *awwwww* please!)

Now that we are talking about maple syrup I am feeling like pancakes. Mmmm pancakes.


Me:
I think I went as far back as around September... I’m actually not quite sure. LOL

I did think there was alerts, but apparently I was wrong. It’s a bit dumb, because as you said, I would prefer the alerts so that I know people heart me enough to comment. And I want people to know how much I heart them when I bless their page with the thoughts swirling tumultuously through my big head.


Nell:
That’s about where they stopped yes. Well done to you! It was a tumultuous roller coaster ride of fun to read them.

I agree. Everyone wants to be hearted, so they should really have comment alerts. I mean maybe they do, and we just don’t know about it. But I have tried to look for something, to no avail.

Me:
Hooray! You readed them all :)

I agree. At the end of the day, people just want to be hearted, so blogger needs to get onto that action so that people can receive alerts that they are hearted.


Nell:
Yes. I hearted them. Maybe blogger could call it “Hearts” instead of comments, and you could get an alert that says “Someone hearts you!” and then you know a comment has been left. Gosh I am uber-creative sometimes.

You do realise you’ll be dancing in one of the scariest ‘hoods in Sydney right? LOL I’d love to be a fly on the wall for that one.

What’s a slide gig??

Me:
Maybe you should start a blogging business. Heart blog? (Ok, so if you become rich off that, then I do want to be paid for coming up with that name… even though a monkey coulda come up with that. 1 trillion dollars sound good? I’m guessing with inflation, $1 trillion dollars will amount to $0.10 at present time)..

If anything, I’d hope that you and Jo are waiting outside with the engine on so I can make a quick get away. Like a tactical team. No requirement for signs to start the car, I could just come out screaming like a banshee with the flailing of the arms.

Slide is the name of the bar. It’s on Oxford St. It’s next to that Japanese place, which is next to the $2 shop, which is next to Hungry Jacks.


Nell:
Ok partner, you got yourself a deal. 1 trillion dollars will be yours upon my business taking off successfully. (translation: you’ll never see the money.)

Oh sure, we’ll be there. Jo will put the pedal down on the old Suzuki Swift and we’ll be outta there before you know it. Quite the getaway car, you know. As part of the tactical team, can we have ear plug communication with you so we know what the down low is on the inside? Cause if you get taken down in there we may require back up. I might have to get my brother in. He looked a lot tougher than the rest of us.

You’re description of Oxford St’s topography has really helped me understand where this place is. Thanks man.


Me:
Um… ok. I’ll take that as a written agreement, so don’t blame me if we end up on Judge Judy. Although, if I were to front her, I would probably cry. I guess as long as we don’t have random witnesses (like you bringing Comet and me bringing Moesha), I think we’ll be safe.

I don’t really know if it’s in our budget to have ear plug communication… I guess we can always have a budget version which will be made of cotton wool connected by twine. I mean, twines like 12 metres long, that should be enough, shouldn’t it? We may require sticky tape to make sure the cotton wool/twine communicators don’t fall out of our ears.


Forget your brother. Just bring the dogs, the cat and the budgie. And maybe a clown. It’ll serve as a distraction while I do layout-back handspring-layout-back handspring-tuck-layout all the way to the car. Keep the sunroof open, cos I’ll just triple twist myself to the backseat, thank you very much.


And I’m glad it helped. Although, I could have just said “It’s 3 doors down from Hungry Jacks”. Straight on Fridays, Gay on Saturdays.


It must cater to bisexuals.


Nell:
Just don’t get all up in Judy’s face. Cause she’s got that sheriff dude on hand to escort you from the courtroom. I’ve seen it done. That shit’s scary, and you will definitely cry like a little girl. (I mean I wouldn’t judge you, but the viewers at home might).

Hmm. Is twine really that long though? We’d have to go to Bunnings first to get it. But I don’t like Bunnings much because their TV ads are deceptive. They would lead you to believe that there are lots of friendly people working there who know everything there is to know about hardware. But in reality it’s just pimply teenagers who shrug when you ask where the paint is. I mean it’s false advertising. I could report them to the ACCC. We can sue and make trillions of dollars (in case the other thing doesn’t work out).


Also, I should tell you now that the Suzuki does not have a sunroof. You’re lucky it’s a 4-door.


Me:
That’s true. He’s scary, but not as scary as her. I’ll try to keep invoices. I don’t know exactly what are on those invoices, but everyone seems to go on Judge Judy with invoices. I’ll draw hearts on the paper. Hopefully it’ll replace the one that she’s missing.

Well, we’ll see what they have at Bunnings. I’m sure twine goes for more than 12 metres, and I think your correct. I don’t actually recall seeing bright, happy & enthusiastic people that work there at Bunnings, so I doubt we can call on them when we visit. I think we should do an expose and hopefully get jobs working as reporters on ACA. Although, I don’t think I would enjoy being punched in the face everyday.


You know if I met someone on the street and asked them what they did for a living and they said “I’m an ACA/TT reporter” I think I would punch them in the face. But that’s just me


It has no sunroof? Dear god.


Ok, well, just pop the boot when you see me. I’ll jump in that way. OR, I can hold onto the roof while we speed away, much like the action stars do it. Although, if I fall off, try not to run me over.


Nell:
I’m not sure the invoices will cut it. Cause I have some pretty damning evidence against you soooo….yeah. Sorry bout that.


I’m in for the expose. I mean, it’s our civic duty to report the reality of Bunnings stores and their employees across the nation. Then, we’ll submit it to ACA and they’ll probably call us right away to get us more heavily involved with their week to week stories. I mean they could really use people like us. I don’t think Mike Munro is really cutting it right now.


Being punched in the face is a definite occupational health and safety hazard. But somebody has to expose the truth. We have to be strong in the face of adversity in order give the public the cold hard facts.


Why don’t you just get in the car via the…car door? I know it’s an unusual move. But if anyone can do it, you can do it.


Me:
Are you sure that damning evidence is privy to the case? Cos if you meant the whole inflation thing equaling $0.10 in todays money, then I totally take that back - mainly cos we’ll just be fighting on international TV over $0.10 – and really if we’re going to embarrass ourselves on TV, we might as well just make it $1 trillion dollars.


I will turn up with a handle bar moustache, singlet, stubbies and a VB and possibly a mullet that’s obviously fashioned with hair extensions. What will you come to Judge Judy’s in?


ACA is bad enough where they’re not using scary music to convey wicked wicked people. Or perhaps having them come along to a colonoscopy with you. Gems such as those are bound to win numerous of journalism awards. But at least working with ACA/TT, you’re bound to have great health care coverage. One can only assume that nose reconstructions are part of the negotiations in contracts.


Entering a car via a car door? That’s MADNESS! Surely it cannot be done?!


Nell:
I’m sorry, I can’t discuss the case with you. You know that.


I think I will wear a Hilary Clinton pantsuit in a bold primary colour like hot red. I will also make sure it has shoulder pads that the cast of Dynasty would be proud of. And bright red high heels that are the exact same colour as the suit, because hello, what other colour goes with red other than red?


I really like the sound of your outfit. I think Karl Lagerfeld could take some cues from someone as forward thinking in fashion as you.


I think we could be the next big thing in journalism. What story do you think will win us an award? (ps, I agree about the health care benefits.)


I swear - I’ve seen it done. I couldn’t believe my eyes, but there it was, right in front of me. Someone entering the car via the car door. Unbelievable.


Me:
Oh, if it’s gonna be like that, it’s on like Donkey Kong. Judge Judy, here we come. Invoices and all.


I hope you intend on teasing your hair up in a quiff or perhaps feathered. And don’t forget to rouge your cheeks like your one step away from clown school. That’ll complete your look.


Come to think of it, I think I want to match your outfit, except I will be all in green.


Perhaps after we’re excused from our courtcase, we can perform a rousing rendition of the Pointer Sisters Jump. Judge Judy can be the 3rd pointer sister. As Xmas is steadily approaching, I do think it’s an appropriate colour theme. We could do a Xmas remix, complete with the jingling of bells.


Meanwhile, Karl Lagerfeld had nothing on me. He wishes he was me.


Seriously, it can’t be done. I just do not understand the logic of entering a car through the car door. The physics alone with having to do that… it’s just impossible unless you’re a gymnast. I can understand entering through the window.


Argh. It’s doing my head in.